The family gathered every day to see how you were doing. From the beginning,there was hope, definitely a few more months. There would be horrible treatments, terrible pain, devastating darkness – but we would pull through, together. Your sister was so strong,so caring, a rock for everybody to lean on. Practical and steady, she held your hand and listened while you struggled. A week after the diagnosis, the pain had worsened. Your voice was so weak, pathetically so. It was frightening, seeing you so helpless and pale, your face screwed up in pain as you drifted in and out of consciousness. You had always been so strong and well- what happened? and why? it wasn’t fair or right- but we were determined to make you well again and bring you home. Our family is strong and determined and stubborn, renowned for that, so of course we would have our way. You were delirious, unable to recognise the faces of your sons, but your hands clung to the warmth and security that they offered when they held you. You didn’t want to let go, and we wouldn’t let you.
Suddenly, things got worse. They told me you were deteriorating and that it wouldn’t be long now.
I didn’t go in, that last night. I didn’t visit, because I was scared, and tired, and I believed you would still be there the following afternoon for one more hug.
But then, at 12:24pm, that fateful message blinked on my screen: nana has just died.
Words can’t describe the pain, the burning tears, the sensation. I came straight to the hospital to say goodbye, for one last hug and kiss and to tell you I loved you and would miss you – did you hear me? Could you see the way your family grieved? How loved you were? You were so pale, a truly unhealthy colour, and so still! It wasn’t like you at all. But your face was peaceful at last, all your cares forgotten as you settled into that long sleep, your last sleep. You looked at ease. We joked – is she still foul mouthed, my mother laughed, while my father, your son, replied quietly, yes, she won’t answer me. As he left the room to give us some privacy to say goodbye, he said, shake her, see if she will wake up. You would have liked that one.
We turned to discussing memories, and then the practicalities of the funeral. And it was then that your sister, so big and strong and solid throughout, broke down for the first time. Her face crumbled, she buckled- but she regained control, and we thanked whatever power was out there that you were out of pain now forever, and reunited with the love of your life in a much better place.
But it was over so quick – barely a week between the diagnosis and the final sleep. The beginning of your next journey. You always did love a good journey.
So many questions I never asked, so many things I never shared with you. I’m trying not to have regrets, but if I could go back, oh the things I would do differently. But I’m told you know now, you can see everything. In death, all things are clearer and all of life’s questions are answered. I hope they were, it is comforting to think so.
We grandchildren want to make you proud. We hope you are watching over us, you and grandpa, and that our actions light up the sky for you. We owe you that. Rest in peace nana.
The following was written for the funeral:
It’s hard to know where to start on occasions like this. How do you cram a lifetime’s worth of memories with a bold, fun, kind-hearted, loving Nana like ours into a few short minutes?
There are so many memories to choose from. The toys seem like a good place to start. Entire boxes full of them, enough to fill up more than the hours we spent there. And if there weren’t enough, we would always get a Happy Meal toy when we had McDonalds for tea that night. There were dress ups too, old clothes that had had their day but that put smiles on all our faces and led to plenty of imaginary games and hilarious photos.
Nana liked to travel – she would pack up the caravan and head off on an adventure to some place that we had never heard of, or sometimes a place that we had heard of, but either way we were always jealous. She never forgot to send postcards though, just to let us know what fun she was having. Sometimes there were souvenirs, and photos that truly did tell a thousand words.
There were always treats in the cupboard – bowls full of chocolate bars, jars crammed with sweet biscuits, a fridge loaded with icy poles. There was a tub of jelly ice-cream at one stage, served with a dollop of cream – but you couldn’t have more than one helping. Of course, she had our best interests at heart. And boy did Nana make the best Milos.
Sometimes the treats weren’t so good though – like lumpy milk, which was promptly spat across the table in horror, all over breakfast. Calm and level headed, Nana soon had it cleaned up.
She was like that – never stressed or worried. I can vividly recall the way she saved me from a huntsman spider in her car. We arrived home, and she asked me to climb out the driver’s side door, just because she wanted to see if I could do it. Of course I wanted to prove that I could do it, so off I went. From the outside, she opened the passenger door to show me the real reason – the giant, hairy eight-legged monster on the inside of the door. While I screamed, she simply beat it, with her bare hand, onto the ground and stomped on it. I’ve never been that brave.
As we all got older visits became less about the toys and the treats and more about the talks. Nana was always there to listen and give an opinion. She could provide the most down to earth, practical advice – or deliver the most outlandish suggestion with a completely deadpan face, so that you didn’t know whether to do what she told you or laugh it off.
But one thing never changed – visits to Nana’s house were always an adventure, filled with fun, warmth and laughter. Sometimes you would rediscover an old toy or favorite book, and spend a while reminiscing. Other times, we would all shout across the table about the most recent news item, or a hated TV show, or that person you worked with that you just couldn’t stand.
There’s so much that could be said about Nana, about how cheerful she was, how much fun she was, how practical and brave she was. Right through to the end, she fought. And we are so proud of her for that.
And while we will miss her terribly, and everything she ever did for us, we are glad she is no longer in that terrible pain, and comforted by the fact that we are sure Grandpa was waiting for her, with arms wide open. And we have so many special memories to remember her by, that will ensure that she lives on in our hearts.
One thing that was always very special was the way Nana signed off her cards. She never missed an occasion, not a birthday or a Christmas. And every one was signed, “all my love”.
Now it’s our turn. All our love Nana, always.